New plans to hatch

By Virginia Winder

The nest is empty at our place.

After nearly 22 years of having children at home, our son has flown the coop.

I’ve been sad all week, making him give me hugs at every turn, telling him how much I love him and how I’ll miss him, tempered of course with the other side of things: “This is a fantastic opportunity and will be an exciting time of your life.”

As my husband, Warren, drove off to Auckland with a carful of flat-worthy everything, Nelson and his girlfriend Rachael, I stood and waved, a big smile on my face.

I had a few quiet tears, but that was it. I came back in and got on with writing. Today’s been a busy one and that’s a blessing, I’m sure.

No doubt their absence will wallop me next week. Or maybe not – Skype is a great way of connecting with whanau.

But the truth is I mean it about the excitement. My greatest wish for my children is that they get out there and have adventures, new experiences and live life to the full.

As for wishing them happiness, that’s another story completely. I’m not a person that seeks happiness for its own sake, but I do seek contentment and for others.

For my children I wish that they have purpose, fulfilment and their hours are spent doing things they enjoy, or are even passionate about.

I’m a bit of an existentialist at heart. That’s the idea that in life there will be suffering and pain, birth and death, and in-between that, if you have happiness, then great.

Naturally, you want your children to be well, to have fun, find love and be the best they can be. But this is their life and with that come choices.

Our daughter, Clementine, lives and works in Wellington, where she’s immersed in books.

Nelson is going to film and TV school in Glenfield. He’ll have his ups and downs, but hopefully, there will be so many great moments (possibly caught on film) that these will prevail. He’s been obsessed with movies for years, so this new move is exciting.

So how do you let go?

Live your own life fully and find purpose. That’s what Acceptance Commitment Therapy is all about. I’m not an expert in this – that’s Dr Russ Harris’ mantle – but having something that drives you to get out of bed can be so helpful. Also, doing something for others is important.

My purpose has always been writing and deadlines. There have been a few times that I’ve had to ask for help from my freelance journalism colleagues, but most of the time, even when things look bleak, it’s been those stories due that have pushed me.

So for me, deadlines are actually lifelines.

This blog, the growing novel and my freelance journalism work can’t replace my children, but they certainly help fill in my day.

And those smart-arse conversations that punctuated my day, well they just might end up in my writing.

There is much to fill this empty nest with.