Time to talk about taboo

By Virginia Winder

I'm going talk about something that's been taboo for too long. 

This is an issue that silence has made worse. 

Right now we're using the words happy, jolly and merry as wishes for all those we care about.

But for many the festive season is the hardest time of year.

Not for me - I love Christmas - yet it's hell for others because of a wide range of reasons.  

Loneliness and loss, poverty and pain - mental and physical - can make life just too tough. 

In fact, now is when a whole bunch of people hit rock bottom and think about taking their lives. 

Yes, I'm going to talk about suicide. 

I make no apology for writing this on a bright sky day dotted with blooming pohutukawa. 

I want to look at this heart-breaking subject from two sides - that of the distressed person and the supporters. 

This post isn't about me this time; it's for the despairing right now. The first part is for you. 

Some suggestions:

1.       If you're feeling suicidal, chances are your thoughts will be unhealthy. Your inner voice will be telling you stuff like "everyone would be better off without me", "the depression will never end" or "I'm worthless". 

These are all thoughts and thoughts are not facts. When you're so down your thoughts can be illogical. It's damn hard to think straight when you feel so low, especially when the hideous "I want to die" mantra kicks in. So…

2.       Tell a trusted person how you're feeling. Be honest. Sit with them and share your despair because those who care will always be there. 

3.       Ask for help. Call your local crisis team, contact a support worker if you have one, go to your GP or visit the emergency department. Phone a clinical psychologist or counsellor. Ring a helpline or reach out on social media. 

It may sound dire but your local mental health ward is a safe place to be in times of acute mental unwellness. 

4.       Reach out to your circle of family and friends. Be honest about your safety and, if possible, ask people to be on a roster to ensure you aren't alone. Believe me, people are more than willing to step up and step in. 

5.       Know you aren't alone. Even though it's not always apparent, many people, undoubtedly some in your circle, will be feeling or have felt the same as you. I know I have and I could count a dozen friends who have been to that "life is not worth living" place. Talk to us because we know and care. We hold you. 

6.       Pray or meditate, practice yoga, go for a beach walk, write… There is likely to be something that helps just a little bit. Chances are you won't feel like doing it, but give it a go anyway. It may be as simple as getting up and having a shower. 

7.       This is a hard one, but I need to tell you it will get better. Maybe tomorrow, next week or next month. There is always, always hope. 

8.       Finally, if depression is your Achilles heel or you live with experience of bipolar or another mental illness, or you know there are times that get excruciatingly bad, make a suicide prevention plan when you're well. That may sound desperate but it could save your life. 

This needs to include your safeguards or the reasons for staying alive. It could be pledges made to spouses, children, other family members or dear friends. It could be your religion or rules you write yourself. 

For the supporters:

1.       Ask questions and listen. Yes, you've got to ask the tough ones: "Are you suicidal?", "are you thinking of killing yourself?", "are you safe?" 

Then it gets tougher.  You need to ask: "Have you got a plan to kill yourself?" If the answer is yes, you must ask: "What is it?"

2.       With help from the unwell person, remove the means for them to harm themselves. 

3.       If you're deeply concerned, call your local crisis team or take the person to the emergency department. As a last resort - but never to be written off - call 111 and the police will help. 

4.       Set up a vigil. Call on the person's close friends and trusted family members to be with the person round the clock. Don't let them be alone. Don't try to fix the person, but ask questions and talk about other things to break the cycle of inward thinking. 

5.       Be wary if a depressed person suddenly becomes happy or starts sending goodbye messages. This could be a sign they have made up their mind to end it all. That's when you must be vigilant and ask questions. Some suicidal people detach from reality, so if they've been extremely low and suddenly become distant, please watch them carefully, this could be a danger time. 

6.       Don't take it all on your shoulders. Ask for help yourself. And never blame yourself if someone takes their life - it is their decision and sadly there are situations where you can't do a damn thing. That's because some distressed people act on impulse. It can be a rash decision at a time of great hardship and you may not see it coming. 

7.       Be kind to people. Always. That shop assistant may be low or that  service station attendant may be lonely or that homeless person could be on the edge. That also means not trolling on social media. You never know what's behind someone's real or virtual persona. Kindness is one of the greatest virtues of all. 

8.       Out of crisis time, support Lifeline or another helpline or, in our region, the upcoming Taranaki Retreat, which will be a sanctuary for people on the edge. It's all about suicide prevention and led by Jamie Allen, a man with a pure heart. He's sharing the love - let's do the same. 

Arohanui, 

Virginia 

HELPLINES:

·         In Taranaki, phone 06 753 6139 and ask for the Crisis Team or free dial direct on 0508 277 478.

·         Lifeline: 0800 543 354 - Provides 24 hour telephone counselling.

·         Youthline: 0800 376 633 or free text 234 - Provides 24 hour telephone and text counselling services for young people.

·         Samaritans: 0800 726 666 - Provides 24 hour telephone counselling.

·         Tautoko: 0508 828 865 - provides support, information and resources to people at risk of suicide, and their family, whānau and friends.

·         Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (noon to 11pm).

·         Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (4pm - 6pm weekdays).

·         The Lowdown: thelowdown.co.nz  - website for young people ages 12 to 19.

·         National Depression Initiative - depression.org.nz (for adults), 0800 111 757 - 24-hour service.

·         If it is an emergency or you feel you or someone you know is at risk, please call 111.

·         For information about suicide prevention, see http://www.spinz.org.nz. 

Pain behind the petals

By Virginia Winder

I hide behind flower photographs. 

Each day I post a new bloom on Facebook and do my best to brighten the world. Just a bit. 

But really, it's me who benefits the most because I am forced to look beyond myself at something beautiful. 

Behind the flowers there's been a lot of pain lately - physically and mentally. 

But I survived, obviously, because of friends, whanau, strong drugs, mindfulness and our free health service. 

But mainly it was the people dear to me, who got me through. 

In September, I hurt my back, again, and ended up with a prolapsed disc. 

Some days I was relatively mobile, while others I felt like fire-heated nails were embedded in the nerves of my lower back, shooting pains right down my legs. 

Many times I was bed-ridden and forced to lie on my right side willing the pain away with mindfulness meditations. 

I walked with crutches, a Zimmer frame or on the arm of a loved one. 

This injury led to five visits to the emergency department, four hospital stays, three MRIs (sung to the 12 days of Christmas), two injuries, finishing with one spinal surgery (my third in 15 months). It was successful. 

During that time I was taking long-acting and short-acting morphine. It barely took the edge off. 

But what I learnt is there is a much better way of getting total pain relief - listening to friends. 

It's bloody boring living in a pain-scape and even worse focusing on that pain. 

Ah, but people and their stories, their lives,  are a guaranteed remedy to take the pain away. 

"Talk to me," I'd say slightly frantically. "I'm over me."

And they would invite me into their worlds and I would be soothed. 

Friends and family also helped me through even tougher times in November. 

I began having sleep spasms that woke me screaming with a half-body slam of nerve-crushing cramp. For 10 nights I lived in a twilight world of half sleep. 

After just two days of this, I plummeted. 

My mood, which had been  as steadfast as my damn-the-pain attitude, hit zero. Danger zone. 

I knew I couldn't be left alone. 

It's embarrassing to ask for help from kind hearts but necessary when your life is on the line. 

I had a promise to keep to my children and husband, so we sought help from the mental health service and a member of the brief care team visited me daily. But to keep me out of the mental health ward I needed a round-the-clock roster of people to be with me. 

My friends and family came en force.

Some made lunch for me, others sat with me and talked about what was going on in their lives and I learnt that their stories worked just as well for mental pain. 

But I was terrified of sleeping until one creative friend, in a burst of brilliance, noticed how strong foam was used to position patients for x-rays. She thought a foam wedge may help my back. It did and stopped the spasms! 

When sleep returned, so did my sanity. 

In high spirits, I visited a garden for a feature interview and injured myself further. Then a one-crutch wander around another garden and then the hospital turned me into a crippled mess. 

On a Monday morning I was taken to hospital by ambulance, learnt ACC had approved surgery, was admitted into Ward 3B where the nurses were wonderful (I think I was a bit cantankerous) and on Friday, December 2, had successful spinal surgery on my lower back. 

Now I'm slowly repairing and slowly repaying the kindness of many. 

So, there you go, the persona someone presents on Facebook may be at odds with what's truly going on behind the scenes. 

And the best thing you can do for another person is to share your story. 

This is mine for you - and it has a happy ending!