Living in the now - trendy or truth?

By Virginia Winder

“Live in the now,” is the catch cry of everyone from Oprah to psychologists, self-help specialists to Buddhist leaders.

There are books about it, YouTube videos on it and social meme expounding “be present”.

They are shared so often that they are in danger of becoming clichés, if they haven’t already.

So what is all this “be in the moment” movement all about and is it just a trendy thing to say? 

But it’s not a new idea.

Back in 500-something BC, Buddha said: “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

His words couldn’t be more relevant than now. Today we live a social-media-cell-phone-switched-on-selfie world, where our attention is constantly scattered. Let’s have a look at a familiar scenario.

Two friends, a man and a woman, are sitting in a café drinking coffee. Beside the man is his phone, which is constantly lighting up with alerts. Each time it does, he pauses and reads the screen, ignoring his old schoolmate. Then a text comes through and he answers it quickly, shutting her out as she shares about her job woes. In the face of his preoccupation she feels unimportant, annoyed and hollow.

   

On the other hand, her phone is on silent in her handbag. All of her attention is on her long-time friend and she leans forward as he talks about his latest break-up. She blocks out everyone in the café, even though she knows she’ll know a heap of people there. As a result, her buddy feels listened to, valued and replenished.

I’ve been guilty of being the bloke in this situation. Too often my children have complained I’m not listening to them and my husband has told me things I swear he’s never shared with me. I’ve been absent – immersed in reading something on my phone or being lost in my thoughts. I do dream a lot.

However, I would like to say that sometimes I can’t win when my son gets frustrated with me for not immediately answering a text. Like I don’t have a life. Like I couldn’t be driving, in the shower, at a movie, or god forbid, having a good time. But I digress.

So, to be a better wife, mother and friend, I’ve decided that when I’m with people I will fully focus on them. It’s a way of honouring these relationships by giving them all of me.

It’s not just about my phone and social media (which I am addicted to – oh the world it opens up for me in terms of news and stories), it’s about not drifting off in the middle of a conversation. It’s about being there. Totally.

And it’s about doing the same for myself.

Image: tattoos_by_zip

Sometimes getting lost in my thoughts can lead to downward spirals because I invent terrible scenarios that could happen in the future. Other times, I agonise over bad things that have happened in the past. Neither are helpful.

Living in this moment immediately stops the spiral. 

But again, what on earth does being present actually mean?

Alright, here we go. If I’m in the shower and start to get anxious about the day ahead, I focus on the warm water falling my body, breathe in the perfume of my shower gel, and open my mouth to taste the water. I am focused on my senses and suddenly the shower becomes a joyful experience.

When I write, I’m 100% present. Nothing else exists except my fingers tapping on the keyboard, the muse-releasing music in my ears and the words flowing on to the screen. There’s no place for yucky thoughts.

Doing art is the same, so is the process of making coffee and even driving. How many times have you followed the same route and got to your destination and not remembered any of the journey? That’s trance driving and not particularly safe. 

But I do allow myself to dream. Thoughts about writing are allowed to swirl through my mind, but only when I’m alone or in bed. I have a notebook with me all the time, so I can write down thoughts. You’ll see me at cafes in the next few months, pen scribbling over pages as I capture what I see.

Other places for total immersion in the now are swimming in surf, when the only thing that matters is the next wave. Or watching a TV programme or film with sub-titles (no time to play on your phone). Or at a dinner party with friends enjoying good food, great company and solving the problems of the world or belly-laughing. Or taking a flower photo.

Other ideas are to read a book, sit and listen to a whole music album, meditate, go walking or running, or dance at a concert. Soak it all in.

When I do an interview I’m totally there, full focused on my subjects and their story. Every single time I’ve done an interview, I have left feeling uplifted.

So my pledge to you is that, unless I meet you in the street and I’m running late, I will be with you. Now. In the moment. Present.

To me this idea isn’t a cliché, but a practical tool to live mindfully and well.

When you think about it, living in the moment means throwing yourself into every situation and being totally involved. None of this half-hearted living for me.

Fighting stigma around mind medications

By Virginia Winder

One of the biggest stigmas about living with experience of a mental illness is taking medication.

Everywhere I’ve turned lately, I have come up against the belief that being on medication is some sort of cop out and you’re a hero or heroine if you give it up.

Please, never encourage people who have diagnoses of bipolar, schizophrenia or depression to quit – especially if the medication is helping them.

Talking about suicide, the website Bipolar Lives says: “Dramatic reductions, both for attempts and completions, is one of the most striking impacts of lithium and other effective mood stabilisers.”

One of the most compelling aspects of living with bipolar is the temptation of going off my meds. Why? Because I miss the manic highs. They are amazing and you feel like you can conquer the world.

But these highs don't last.

When the mania erodes, like the slow shattering of a glass-made world, there’s the plunge – I call it the drop zone – when you find yourself at ground zero. All memories of what that “high” felt like are gone and often there’s huge embarrassment about the things you may have done or said “up there”.

The depression is made worse because the difference between the high and low are so acute. A large number of people with bipolar complete suicide – a rate of 15%. Of those living with bipolar, 50% will attempt to take their life and 80% will think about it. 

Those are horrifying statistics.

Images like this feed the stigma around taking
life-saving mental health medications.

For me, lithium keeps me stable – I don’t have the huge mood swings I used to. Yes, I still feel joy, have wildly creative thoughts, and also feel great sadness and anger.

But if I went off my medication, the outcome could literally kill me. So please think carefully, before you congratulate someone going off their meds or even worse, make them feel bad for being on them.

Would you applaud a diabetic for going off insulin? Or a person with powerful migraines to just tough it out? Or an asthmatic to give up their inhaler during an attack. Two of these scenarios are life-threatening.

Going off mental health medication can be exactly the same.

I came across a person once who had had a lung transplant – a huge medical procedure that required drugs so the organ wasn’t rejected.

This same person had a sibling on medication to help live with the debilitating illness of schizophrenia, and raved about how their loved one shouldn’t be on these drugs.

Weird that it’s OK to have all the medical intervention in the world for something physical, but not for a mental illness. I’ve talked with people who hear voices, who live with psychosis and paranoia, and know it’s heart-breaking and terrifying. Can you imagine walking around with a voice talking in your head the whole time, which you can’t switch off?

What many of those people don’t know is that for some people, like myself, medication is a life saver.

Yes, I tried St John’s Wort, but it caused me to have mini seizures. So that’s crossed off the list. However, it can work wonders for some people. 

Advice: Don’t ever take it at the same time as antidepressants, because you could end up with a nasty temporary condition called serotin syndrome. Yes, you can have too much of a good thing.

The thing about mental health medications is you need to get the right drugs. You need to work with your doctor or psychiatrist to do that. Unfortunately, it can take time and patience and, sometimes, you may suffer a raft of unwanted side effects before the ideal drug or combo is found. The same goes for medication for physical conditions.

I was put on lithium after I became one of the 50% (see above).

Nearly three years on, I have been stable, with one short dip on the way. Lithium has changed my life and my life expectancy.

So please don’t hassle people on mental health medication to get off and be wary about supporting those who stop taking their pills, especially those with a long history of extreme mental illness.

If it’s you who’s quitting, ask yourself why? Is it the stigma, do you miss the highs (if you’re bipolar), or is it a push from the natural health advocates that’s shaping your opinion? Could it be side effects? If so, work with your doctor to try something else.

For those who are suffering and won’t even look at mental health medication, think carefully about why. Do you think you deserve to suffer? Is depression a familiar, almost comfortable place to hide? Are you frightened of medical intervention? Would you feel the same if you had a heart attack? Or meningitis? 

This is a great book full of
mindfulness tips. 

Then there are those people who won’t go on medication – or go off it – and instead self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. This is extra harmful because both can make the illness worse, feed into depression and/or mania and may cause psychosis.

Believe me, medication isn’t the only answer. For me mindfulness is my cornerstone, along with Acceptance Commitment Therapy, creativity, family, friendship, love, laughter, meaningful work, good sleep, healthy food and exercise. Staying well takes a lot of hard work.

Every now and again, I look at my rock-of-a-husband, and say: “Sometimes I really feel like going off lithium so I can feel that exquisite high again.”

“I’d rather have you alive,” he replies.

Warrior of words

By Virginia Winder

It's time to stand up. 

For too long I've been lying down (quite literally lately), hiding behind my journalistic shroud of impartiality. 

Enough. It's time to speak out on the things I care about. On people, our planet, mental and physical health, creativity, peace, equality and spirituality. 

It's time to be a warrior of words. To interview, to research, look deeply, to save the world - all the reasons I became a journalist in the first place all those 30-plus years ago. 

This is my New Year's pledge. 

Also, 2017 will be a time to improve my writing style; to dance with words, to try new techniques and become a more exciting and moving storyteller. I'm doing an online course through Future Learn, which is at all of our fingertips for free.

The aim is to write this blog once a week because regular schedules work for me.

There will be features, opinion pieces, personal stories (mine and yours), music and film reviews - anything that moves me in some way.  

Expect VW's Vibrant World to challenge, inspire and be filled with people.  

They could be you. 

So don't be surprised if you hear from me with a request to tell your story or to comment on a compelling issue.

We're all the good guys and we need to save the day.