Forgiveness is freeing

By Virginia Winder

A few years ago I worked with a bully.

This person used passive aggressive tactics, undermined me in many ways and completely knocked my confidence.

For a long time I felt sick when I heard or read this person’s name, when I saw cars like theirs or when I thought about them. Sometimes I would get angry, other times I would be weighed down with ill feeling and too often I would obsess about their hypocrisy.

Also, I was terrified of meeting this person in the street or the supermarket. Just the thought filled my gut with acid.

The thing is, my poisonous, fearful thoughts weren’t hurting them. They were hurting me. Instead of filling my mind with creative thoughts and focusing on good things and good people, I was crippled by toxic anger.

So I had to let them go – the bad thoughts and the person.

I had to forgive them. Also, I had to forgive myself for allowing myself to become a victim, something I had rarely, if ever, been before.

To move on was a whole process, which entailed lots of hard work.

The most helpful thing was mindfulness. This is a word that’s getting bandied around a lot these days, but it involves many things, including working on acceptance without judgement, knowing that thoughts are just thoughts, not facts, and living in this moment, right now.

What happened was in the past and it needed to disappear into the ether.

There’s also the Loving Kindness Meditation, which is about having compassion for all people, including yourself, those you love and even an adversary. It’s available on the internet and worth practicing.

I love the one read by Dr Russ Harris in the CD that comes with The Happiness Trap or on his app, the ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) Companion, which I bought for my iPhone.

Doing a mindfulness course was also a blessing. It gave me great calmness each week and reinforced many things I knew but had forgotten.

Another tool towards forgiveness is writing down everything you need to say. Let the rage out, pour out the ugliness, then have a burning ritual and let it go.

Other times I would stand in the shower and let the water flow over me and imagine all the hurt disappearing down the drain.

Forgiveness, like grief, is a painful process, but you learn a lot on the way.

Finally, I ended up at the same function as this person, who came to talk to me. We chatted cordially, clinked glasses and wished each other well for the future.

As I stood there, my heart beating normally, my words kind but careful, I realised things were back in balance. I felt no anger, no bitterness, but a state of great calmness.

I was whole again and went home feeling as free as a soaring seagull.