Thursday, January 3, 2019

Try a little kindness....

By Virginia Winder
I’ve gone on about kindness, thrown it around like confetti, at an old-fashioned wedding.
But what does it actually look like? Especially when it comes to mental despair.
I say to those people uncomfortable in the face of depression, anxiety and panic attacks, of bipolar ups and downs, relax, we’re not going to infect you.
There is no superbug of mental illness although depression is proving to be prevalent and tough to beat.
Please treat us the same as someone with a physical illness. Offer to visit and don’t be offended if we say no, but we certainly want to be asked.
If we turn down your invitation to an outing with lots of people, it’s not about you. It’s that social anxiety critter, one that often accompanies a full-blown depressive episode, apt to rear its ugly head during the festive season.
If you know someone’s in the throes of the lows, write a nice text, send flowers or chocolates, post a card and no, we don’t expect or want you to counsel us, but a kind listening ear is a gift. Please keep us in mind because we can’t escape ours.
I’m going to be truthful - the past year has been a mixture of heaven and hell.
Heaven was three weeks in Kerala, India.
Hell has been inside my head, with a touch of back pain thrown in for variety.
But the pain from a prolapsed mid-disc is entirely different to mental agony.
A back injury can be captured on an MRI, it can be defined, solutions found and a healing timeframe offered.
The Taranaki Base Hospital team are nearly as good looking.
You’re of so much interest to the orthopaedic surgical team, there is usually a Grey’s Anatomy learning moment at the foot of your bed each morning.
Throughout the day, you’re asked to score your pain out of 10. If you’re teetering on the upper limit or less you are given strong pain relief.
Yet depression is undefinable. There is no way to find its cause - physiological or psychological? Or both.
Research is linking depression to gut health and also inflammation.
I’m not expected to find answers for my prolapsed disc, although I do always google to get a mental picture of what’s happening.
But on the mental health front, I feel I should’ve earned a doctorate by now.
The mental health practitioners who care for me, do their best and are exceptional.
But it was me who had to do the research between menopause and bipolar. The stats are alarming because they show that depressive episodes double for menopausal women living with a diagnosis of bipolar.
Yay! A definitive moment.
Yes, that’s a distressing answer, but at least it explains why, in the past few years, my mood has spiralled down and down.
But I want to be well, in control and living a full life, one where I don’t end up in hospital, crisis respite or need to seek space to breathe at the Taranaki Retreat.
I’ve decided 2019 will be a year of healing, learning, giving and gratitude.
Did you know that doing a kind act for someone else is the quickest way to receive a boost of the feel-good hormone oxytocin?
Weirdly, I have a rule, taught to me by my mother, never to tell people if I’ve done something kind. It’s not about accolades, it’s about the act.
And we’re back to kindness.
Please reach out with warmth to those who are suffering, particularly those living with mental despair, often hidden.
And there are those of us who live with ongoing episodes of depression that we work so damn hard to avoid, but still they come again and again. That’s despite using mindfulness tools, brain-based therapy, self-compassion, CBT, DBT and ACT - oh the acronyms I know, the books I’ve read, the magazine articles I’ve consumed, the research papers I’ve mulled over.
The inflammation and gut-health theories are under scrutiny in our household right now, so you will be offered easily digestible information on these topics soon.
In the meantime, never presume that those of us living in the lows aren’t doing our best to carry on like nothing’s wrong or using every tool possible to get well.
If someone you know is dogged by depression, reach out or be receptive.
You never know when a lovely message may be a turning point for someone feeling hopeless.
None of us knows who is hurting, or having a day gone from bad to worthless, so be kind to everyone.
You’ll get an oxytocin hit and add colour to someone’s grey day.



5 comments:

  1. I have read much about depression and there has been a very common thread related to menopause - often the first onset of depression.

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    1. Sorry, thought I had put my name to this - it is me Jean Craven.

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  2. A wonderful article Virginia. I had depression years ago but nothing to what you have been suffering. I read your words and it gave me insight and understanding. So often one gets consumed in daily living and and we forget to take care of ourselves and each other. I thank you for reminding me what’s really important and to look out for those around us.

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  3. love your writing Virginia ..it is like a glass of good wine ..you know you're in for something full bodied, complex, with lush and deep flavors that only reveal themselves with more tasting...I was reading the other day about why our dogs stare at us...the act of eye contact with the releases oxytocin for them..hence the state quickly melts into a look of longing and adoration...this is the same for humans I reckon Virginia...le's all take the time this year to look into each eyes when we ask the "how are you"...question...just a pause for a moment to connect ...really connect on that higher level of what it is to be human

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  4. You are so right, Virginia. I was so grateful to have one friend, who committed herself to visit me, every week, when I was low. She came to have a cup of tea with me and just listen. No judgements or advice, just good companionship! My thanks to her cannot be exaggerated.

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