Time to talk about taboo

By Virginia Winder

I'm going talk about something that's been taboo for too long. 

This is an issue that silence has made worse. 

Right now we're using the words happy, jolly and merry as wishes for all those we care about.

But for many the festive season is the hardest time of year.

Not for me - I love Christmas - yet it's hell for others because of a wide range of reasons.  

Loneliness and loss, poverty and pain - mental and physical - can make life just too tough. 

In fact, now is when a whole bunch of people hit rock bottom and think about taking their lives. 

Yes, I'm going to talk about suicide. 

I make no apology for writing this on a bright sky day dotted with blooming pohutukawa. 

I want to look at this heart-breaking subject from two sides - that of the distressed person and the supporters. 

This post isn't about me this time; it's for the despairing right now. The first part is for you. 

Some suggestions:

1.       If you're feeling suicidal, chances are your thoughts will be unhealthy. Your inner voice will be telling you stuff like "everyone would be better off without me", "the depression will never end" or "I'm worthless". 

These are all thoughts and thoughts are not facts. When you're so down your thoughts can be illogical. It's damn hard to think straight when you feel so low, especially when the hideous "I want to die" mantra kicks in. So…

2.       Tell a trusted person how you're feeling. Be honest. Sit with them and share your despair because those who care will always be there. 

3.       Ask for help. Call your local crisis team, contact a support worker if you have one, go to your GP or visit the emergency department. Phone a clinical psychologist or counsellor. Ring a helpline or reach out on social media. 

It may sound dire but your local mental health ward is a safe place to be in times of acute mental unwellness. 

4.       Reach out to your circle of family and friends. Be honest about your safety and, if possible, ask people to be on a roster to ensure you aren't alone. Believe me, people are more than willing to step up and step in. 

5.       Know you aren't alone. Even though it's not always apparent, many people, undoubtedly some in your circle, will be feeling or have felt the same as you. I know I have and I could count a dozen friends who have been to that "life is not worth living" place. Talk to us because we know and care. We hold you. 

6.       Pray or meditate, practice yoga, go for a beach walk, write… There is likely to be something that helps just a little bit. Chances are you won't feel like doing it, but give it a go anyway. It may be as simple as getting up and having a shower. 

7.       This is a hard one, but I need to tell you it will get better. Maybe tomorrow, next week or next month. There is always, always hope. 

8.       Finally, if depression is your Achilles heel or you live with experience of bipolar or another mental illness, or you know there are times that get excruciatingly bad, make a suicide prevention plan when you're well. That may sound desperate but it could save your life. 

This needs to include your safeguards or the reasons for staying alive. It could be pledges made to spouses, children, other family members or dear friends. It could be your religion or rules you write yourself. 

For the supporters:

1.       Ask questions and listen. Yes, you've got to ask the tough ones: "Are you suicidal?", "are you thinking of killing yourself?", "are you safe?" 

Then it gets tougher.  You need to ask: "Have you got a plan to kill yourself?" If the answer is yes, you must ask: "What is it?"

2.       With help from the unwell person, remove the means for them to harm themselves. 

3.       If you're deeply concerned, call your local crisis team or take the person to the emergency department. As a last resort - but never to be written off - call 111 and the police will help. 

4.       Set up a vigil. Call on the person's close friends and trusted family members to be with the person round the clock. Don't let them be alone. Don't try to fix the person, but ask questions and talk about other things to break the cycle of inward thinking. 

5.       Be wary if a depressed person suddenly becomes happy or starts sending goodbye messages. This could be a sign they have made up their mind to end it all. That's when you must be vigilant and ask questions. Some suicidal people detach from reality, so if they've been extremely low and suddenly become distant, please watch them carefully, this could be a danger time. 

6.       Don't take it all on your shoulders. Ask for help yourself. And never blame yourself if someone takes their life - it is their decision and sadly there are situations where you can't do a damn thing. That's because some distressed people act on impulse. It can be a rash decision at a time of great hardship and you may not see it coming. 

7.       Be kind to people. Always. That shop assistant may be low or that  service station attendant may be lonely or that homeless person could be on the edge. That also means not trolling on social media. You never know what's behind someone's real or virtual persona. Kindness is one of the greatest virtues of all. 

8.       Out of crisis time, support Lifeline or another helpline or, in our region, the upcoming Taranaki Retreat, which will be a sanctuary for people on the edge. It's all about suicide prevention and led by Jamie Allen, a man with a pure heart. He's sharing the love - let's do the same. 

Arohanui, 

Virginia 

HELPLINES:

·         In Taranaki, phone 06 753 6139 and ask for the Crisis Team or free dial direct on 0508 277 478.

·         Lifeline: 0800 543 354 - Provides 24 hour telephone counselling.

·         Youthline: 0800 376 633 or free text 234 - Provides 24 hour telephone and text counselling services for young people.

·         Samaritans: 0800 726 666 - Provides 24 hour telephone counselling.

·         Tautoko: 0508 828 865 - provides support, information and resources to people at risk of suicide, and their family, whānau and friends.

·         Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (noon to 11pm).

·         Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (4pm - 6pm weekdays).

·         The Lowdown: thelowdown.co.nz  - website for young people ages 12 to 19.

·         National Depression Initiative - depression.org.nz (for adults), 0800 111 757 - 24-hour service.

·         If it is an emergency or you feel you or someone you know is at risk, please call 111.

·         For information about suicide prevention, see http://www.spinz.org.nz.